The women of today are very different from those of the past, now they move much more outside of the family, have a career and a dynamic life.
Even the family has changed compared to the past, today the majority of couples have only one child and only 7% of couples have more than 2 children, also increase families formed by couples only.
Despite the employment and social engagement of women, they are still mainly take care of home and children, in which contain high expectations.
Mothers today's workers, so they leave their child prematurely in the hands of others, and this also seems to want to be a way to develop the social qualities of the small dowry to which mothers seem very attentive.
The parents of the 90, are parents in transition, who are being trained and do not want to make sacrifices like their parents, they are not then reflected in the patterns of their parents, who have criticized and modified.
These mothers are thus frequently in conflict with each other and may be uncertain and contradictory in their children's eyes.
Then there is the maternal code, where it all over with nothing in return and the feminine code, where there is a mutual exchange, and it seems that today the submission of women to breast code code is less necessary to the growth of the children.
Adolescence and preadolescence
The kids in this age want to become the subjects of their own growth and they want a mother who understands this desire and to enable them to self-determination.
For a teenager it is important that the mother understands her desire for change, if the mother does not want to let will grow socially, can be born of the rifts in the relationship.
Mothers, however, may have genetic anguish, due to the birth memories, han fear of not recognizing his own son, to see it changed too, to remain disappointed, and mothers are so concerned about not being able to continuously monitor the child preadolescence .
The mother has to find the right balance between the suffocating presence and absence, and must also withstand the attacks received by the child that is changing.
If the mother is depressed may tend to not want to change their own child or decide not to care, cmq the mother who manages to treat him in the right way in this period prevents the child reaches recall antisocial behavior.
Change
The three years of middle school is for girls and boys, the period of spectacular metamorphosis: children arrive and leave teenagers, and this change involves the whole person, turning them into the body and mind.
Mothers observe this change in real time, they perceive it well, and are able to manage it without too much alarmism, but their attitude is different depending on whether they are boys or girls.
The males are portrayed as more protesters, such as those that tend to reject the family rules, while girls tend more to close their rooms, even if they seem more interested in family life.
Mothers do not have too many claims to the children, however, take much to academic performance, which can bring disappointment to the parents by the children of both sexes.
Males seem to be losing interest in school, they are become disordered and are stimulated with insistence, and for this reason the clashes are inevitable and commonplace.
Adolescence is viewed as the second birth of the child, and like the first, it causes a lot of anxiety in parents (genetic anxiety), and the bad school performance is seen as a failure of the duty of parents.
The girls however they want more autonomy to manage schoolwork, and in this case mothers complain not of academic performance, but the fact that the daughters They want no longer be under their control, anguish cmq less than that experienced with sons.
The preteens feel the need to take care of your self, therefore have a greater interest in their body and their external image.
Mothers, however, think that this need is persuaded by the attendance of peers, and for that reason not to have a child too easily influenced by others, set limits, which in some cases are dictated by economic necessity (the stuff trendy coast).
Physical development occurs differently in females and males, females develop before and mothers seem to take pleasure in their desire to seem beautiful, and their accomplices in this thing.
The new needs of the children are the private space where you can lock up, and where his mother seems to respect this need for privacy, there are also new entertainment such as television, video games, internet.
Mothers are concerned about these pastimes, why they take off time to the study and especially because they can give negative patterns, especially in the case of some television programs.
Another enemy of the mother is the phone, which seems to remove the child from the house, with these continuous calls (and economic costs that force parents to controls), although in some cases the cell can become an ally of the parents, such as when children go out and thanks to it they can always trace.
Concerns toward the male children are linked to its participation in external groups, there is fear that the teen can end up in bad company, and therefore becomes important to teach kids, who attend and who is not.
Mothers tend to control incognito male children, for fear of the influence of the group, and in this case we speak of genetic anguish, as if the rebellion and son escape to the outside are a danger to his own person.
Mothers rather trust a little 'more daughters and allow some freedom, and fears in this case are more related to the security of their daughters, and then it becomes important to respect the times.
The first loves are perceived differently depending on whether they are boys or girls.
The males are always seen as big kids, while daughters are seen fit to first loves and mothers talk about it freely, and they confide in them (as if they were sisters).
Instead it seems not to appear in their speeches the concern about accidental pregnancies, AIDS.
Another radical change from the past is that mothers do not push more daughters to the married life and the family, but really cater to their happiness, and this makes their relationship more harmonious, reducing conflicts on the subject.
The males arrive in junior high school aspiring to separation, independence from the family, and prefer to stick to the rules of their peers, and this thing irritates and puts forward to the mother.
If the mother does not let go of his son, he puts it in crisis because it has to decide which side to take.
The girls however, receive more confidence to mothers who are not afraid of their teenage years, but this, however, can result in excessive mutual identification that can hinder the path of separation and to the discovery of the Self.
The girl then runs the risk of not wanting to come out and then risk not trace the boundaries of their own identity, and not to find their own way to go.
The rule management
Today the power to legislate is not only father, but both parents.
It 'important, inter alia, that when the husband is not at home, the mother takes the reins of the situation and that she is the reference point.
Moreover, the rules are decided together, and discussed at the table, so that the children can also understand them and accept them, in case of conflict, do not resort to more violence, but debate.
It seems that today, it is no longer important to convey the great social moral directives, but rather ensure good internal relations.
They seem to be fathers to be more indulgent, and the important thing is cmq be ensured educational function: there must be both the prohibitions and impositions that the mediations and permissions.
According to the mothers, the children are very well adapted to these situations and act cleverly, understanding which is the most permissive parents, and relying on it.
Today's standard is more and more a carrier of content and before respected, must be understood, the rules need to be internalized by the children and become a useful tool for their self-realization.
Rules can not be imposed, but must be explained and justified, and the dialogue with the son is very important, because it allows him to become a more mature and responsible partner.
If the rules are not respected, they tend to be obeyed for the sake of the parent and not for fear of punishment.
It therefore seems that the feeling most feared by the children is the sense of shame associated with the disappointment of maternal and paternal expectations, a narcissistic pain, and then often a simple scolding mother is more effective than punishment.
The punishments are poorly tolerated even by mothers, who would prefer not to apply, and everyway consist of the deprivation (television, video games) or autonomy over expenditure reductions.
The award instead is often translated more in the emotional and material, with for example, the pampering, or even with the simple recognition of the commitment shown over its duties (especially school way).
Mothers seem bothered by the rigidity of certain rules, based on the memories of youth, when they were subjected to unwarranted constraints on their parents.
For mothers the rules play an important communicative function: through their understanding and internalization kids should get to take possession of those important values to be good adults, such as respect of others.
In addition to respect for others and selflessness, mothers very well take the responsibility, through the respect of its duties and the maintenance of its commitments kids can cultivate the ability to face and solve the problems that life will present.
So the rules take no longer a single communicative function of values, but also an educational function, which can give their children a good setting for the future and helping to train them.
Ultimately, the rules ensure the maintenance of good family relationships and help in educational practice.
Friday, February 3, 2017
Parenting and teenage children (2/5): Maternal perspective
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Friday, February 3, 2017 - 2:27 PM
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